I struggle for the words to express what’s happening to me, both mentally and physically. The amount of words it would take, would fill your life ten times over. We would be long dead before I could get to the real core of it. Or, that’s what it feels like anyway.
I hate it, it’s like being a teenager again, all angst and “you don’t understand” and shit like that. I really don’t expect anyone to understand, I barely expect anyone to accept it, honestly. Yet there is an urgency behind my lips, something that desperately needs to be said, if only I knew what it was. I could say the magic words and free myself from this prison.
It’s on the tip of my tongue. I’m about to remember that movie I couldn’t quite name, that phrase I couldn’t think of, the dream I wanted to tell you last year, that last item on my list before I leave the store… just….
t e e t e r i n g
on the edge of success. If only if only if only I could figure out that one super important detail I forgot.
Every action a rush to get there. Every gesture just something that needs to be done to further me on this path. I care about nothing. Nothing can distract me from this highly focused goal…
except I have no idea what it is.
I claw at myself, my stomach churns, it’s like sitting an exam, and I’m only half way through, and this ONE question I’ve come back to six times is so close to being solved.
My stomach aches with the weight of it. My nerves have fire bursting through each one. My skin crawls and twitches as my mind works harder and harder.
Then I forget real life things, I forget how to ring a customer, or delete items out of inventory, or something as obvious as hitting the total key, and all my fears are suddenly justified and somehow, I manage to panic more.
I never need to slow down, I’m always working hard to keep up, now I have to turn everything down and I just don’t really know how. Do I let the fire burn itself out? Should I feed it? Should I feed it deeply and see what it illuminates? Should I jump into the fire? Should I try to simply put it out?
I’ll test each theory, one at a time, to see how my mania reacts to each one. I just don’t know how it’ll go if I end up making things worse. It’s really so bad, I’m open to checking into the psych ward if it gets that much worse. I don’t think it’ll come to that, but I like having safety protocols.
Lucky to have someone to catch me if I do fall.